Running Riot

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:30:18 GMT

I just spent the past half an hour--has it been an hour already?--reading through all of my entries to find one in particular. It was a complete waste of time when I could have been studying Japanese, but when the inspiration arrives it's hard to say "no." But as I was reading these entries, I realized a couple of things. The first thing was that it seemed such a pity that I had not been writing here, though I have little desire to seek comments on my emotions. Looking at this journal, it seemed similar to any of the other blank journals lying unused in my desk. That is what led to this entry, along with the love of typing on my keyboard.

The more important realization was how much I've grown over the past years. The person I was when I was writing in this journal in 2004 was a completely different person who was even more inclined to mood swings than I am now. She also felt like she had to be constantly hyper and nonsensical. For what purpose? To fit in, I suppose. As I continued to read, I came to dislike who I was then. I acted fake. I knew that then, also, as I could see in the entries I had kept private out of shame. I also felt far more lost, confused, and unhappy with who I was. Presently I can't say that I'm any less confused or lost, but at least I have come to accept myself. Something I thought today was that the biggest obstacle in anyone's life is shame. Shame stops us from growth, acceptance, happiness--all of those positive things that enrich our lives. Shame is also a false emotion that often appears to have some basis in reality and truth, in fact skews it. The worst part about shame is that it dives deep within the mind and corrodes everything. It's like a heavy rust. The only person who can get rid of it entirely is the bearer of the shame, but often other people help perpetuate it when in fact they should be helping the bearer accept herself or himself by respecting them and even loving them, and by most definitely showing them. The worst thing we can do for each other is sharing negative emotions in an uncaring manner. Sometimes we have to share negative emotions about each other, but this should only be in order to obtain positive results. To do that, we have to explain our emotions with care and listen with care. Getting insulted right off the bat won't help at all.

But I ran on a tangent. I came to the conclusion today that the best way to get rid of shame is to confront it, just like any other fear. Sometimes the only way to do so is by involving other people and challenging our worries that we will be rejected. What I have found growing up is that in most events rejection won't be there. Despite looking for it all of my life, I have never actually faced it since I was very young, but I feel that when I finally find myself facing rejection, it won't be as horrible as I had thought. I don't know if this is the final stage towards growing up, and I highly doubt it is, but I think that I'm happy with myself more now than ever because I have accepted if not my present permanent state, then my changing state. My personality cannot be defined and measured by a single moment, a single personality test, it is a compilation of development, change, and curiosity. I think this is true for everyone.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Interesting.

Tue, 15 May 2007 03:13:24 GMT

Just wanted to put these somewhere safe. *Grin*

Convocation quotations:

"Class, we ask that you learn to swim so that you won't drown in a creek on the way to class."

"What is college? A bench with a professor on one end and a student on the other. The bench is optional."

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Back?

Thu, 10 May 2007 15:58:32 GMT

Mm...sort of. Who knows how long this will last? But I figure I have a LiveJournal so I might as well write in it. At the very least it will give me an excuse to type--I loooove typing. Almost as much as I love rain...speaking of which, I know I wanted summer to come and the snow to go away, but this is seriously too much. This muggy stuff needs to be washed away NOW. I call for a thunderstorm. All in favor raise your hands and shout AYE!

And then we'll go be pirates on the rolling seas. Seriously rolling. Like on wheels. Zoooooom.

So exams are almost done, my last one is tomorrow and then I'm going home on Saturday. Joy! Asita wa owari desu kara sugu kaerimasu! Yokatta! Yasumi de ii desu ne! Yasumi wa doo suru n desu ka? Nihongo de benkyoo simasen! Nihongo de kakimasen! Nihongo de hanasimasen! Watasi no bureen wa yasumu n desu. Nihongo o daisuki kedo I'm tired and am SO ready for vacation.

-Katherine Chillingworth-
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 01:07:28 GMT

I want my friend back NOW. He was supposed to live at least until he was twenty-one, not until he was seven--DAMNIT, IT'S NOT FAIR. He's supposed to be in my face, in front of my computer screen, meowing, pawing, stomping all over my keyboard, and with me. He's not supposed to be dead. Why the hell did he hide it? Why did he get sick right while I was gone? I only had one last day with him and he didn't even recognize me; he was too sick to care. I feel like I'm a bride whose groom died four years before the wedding. I thought I would go away to college, I would visit him whenever I could, and then I'd leave college and take him and his brother with me to a new apartment and we'd live together maybe forever. I'd get married, have kids, and he, and his brother, would still be there. I feel like part of my soul has been torn out--I can't imagine having another friend who was so wonderful, sweet, kind, fun, funny, and yet so amazingly independent at the same time. Is it wierd to think that I found my one true soulmate in a beautiful white and orange cat named Tommy? Before I met him I didn't even like that name; it wasn't exotic enough, it was too cutsie. Now it's the best name in the world. Not because of it in itself, but because it belonged and will always belong to him. I want him back. I'm lonely without him. I would give up half of my soul so that he could live with me forever. I love Fritz, but he's not Tommy. He doesn't seek me out to see me, he doesn't want to join me in whatever I'm doing. Tommy always did that. And I would do it right back to him. I tried to entice him down the hall to see and smell new things, I'd sit next to him if he gave me even the slightest of looks, I would pet him, stroke him, scratch his head, rub his belly, roll him over just to tease him. And when I teased him he would purr so loudly my hand would shake and I could hear him if I stood five feet away. I can't believe he's gone. I didn't feel like his owner; instead I wanted to be his mother, sister, and friend. I wanted to give him as much as he gave me, if not more. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling--I did my best to decipher every twitch, sneeze, blink, and meow. I can't believe he's gone. I've had him with me since he was eight months old, when I was kicking him off the bed because he insisted on biting my toes. He was one and the same with this house--he was there when I got home, there when I left, when I woke up, and when I went to sleep he usually curled in the curve of my knees or next to my stomach. He sat on my homework, attacked my pencils and pens, pleaded for food (which he was gladly and consistently given) at the table, got hair all over my clothes, hunted my beanie babies and small pillows, drink from my cup, clean my fingers, slept on my lap, aggravated the birds, groomed Fritz, attacked Fritz, annoyed the dog down the hall, jumped into random bathtubs at random times, greeted guests, jumped for treats, came when I called (just as I came when he called), listen to the piano, drank from the kitchen sink, curled up in my rocking chair, chase down the once and a while fly, and be there when I was stupidly frightened of the dark. I think I was the most frightened when I woke up at one point during the night and was terrified because I thought I heard something from the other room. It was a couple of years ago, I think, and Nathaniel was below me on the bottom bunk, my parents are in the room just beyond the wall, and the first person I turn to is Tommy sleeping right next to me. At that time I regarded him as a watchdog of sorts; I was comforted by the fact that if he was asleep, then it was all right for me to sleep as well because it must be okay if he felt safe. But that one night I didn't care that he was asleep, I wanted him awake to confirm that everythingw as fine. Yet no matter how I prodded or pushed, he wouldn't wake up. I tapped him on his head, poked his stomach, poked his back, and still he slept. I don't think I could sleep for another half an hour after that; I was amazed that he wouldn't wake up. I guess at the time I might have felt slightly abandoned; I was terrified and my protector wasn't aware of it. And now he really has abandoned me, through no fault of his own. I'm a little antisocial. I'm nervous around people, especially people my age, because I don't know what to talk about. Often when I do open my mouth, it's to say something unbelievably stupid and then it's to say something even worse to cover for the first thing. I didn't have to talk around Tommy. All he wanted was to be petted and to be given attention--sometimes he just wanted to be there, and attention was unwanted. People say cats are aloof, I disagree. Or, at least, I disagree in the case of Tommy. I admire him. He knew what he wanted and he knew how he was going to get it. It was also easier for me. I loved him with my whole being and only talked when I was truly driven to speak my thoughts, not when I thought he might get hurt or insulted if I didn't. The first time I met him was in the animal shelter when we went to look at cats. We already knew we were going to get two cats (or at least I did...I'm not quite sure what my poor mom thought) because I had talked with my math tutor about it (she had six cats) and she had told me that it's better to have two cats because then they can keep each other company. In addition, siblings shouldn't be separated. It was chance that we were shown Tommy and Fritz first, but we knew they were perfect immediately. When the door to the cage was open, Fritz came out first and Tommy kept back. That's why Fritz became Nathaniel's cat--Nathaniel liked the cat who seemed the most confident. I don't think I cared either way at the time because all I wanted was at that moment was a cat and it didn't matter if it was black and white or orange and white. Then we brought them home and they wouldn't leave Nathaniel's room; they were far too shy of the new place. I think it only took them a couple of days, maybe a week at most, to get used to us. That section of the apartment was always their safety zone when they were frightened, up to this day, but they steadily grew more confident, finding nice, new places to hide like under my parents' bed, the stove, or the t.v. But what I really want to get to is when, a couple of days after we brought them home, we were all the room, all four 'siblings', Nathaniel, Tommy, Fritz, and I, and I picked up Tommy. I didn't pick him up in the proper way that cats prefer, I just picked him up around his chest, behind his front legs, and held him up to my face. You know what he did? He licked me. Right on the lips. It was the best kiss I've ever been given. Sometimes, if I had one of those long cat toys, he would chase me around the apartment for minutes at a time, long after Fritz had given up or had decided to wait for the perfect moment from under the dining room table. Often I would walk into the living room or a bedroom to find the two of them curled around each other in sleep. They were light and dark; Fritz is a big cat with black and dark gray stripes over a canvas of white, while Tommy was a slightly smaller cat with dark orange and light orange stripes over a similar canvas of white. They both had the same similar, beautiful muddy green eyes. I need Tommy. My Mom says I'm supposed to tell people, especially my friends, that he's dead, but how am I supposed to do that? "Hey, yeah...remember that cat of mine Tommy? He died. He was sick." You just can't bring that up in everyday conversation. And I don't want sympathy and I don't want ackward apologies -- I'm grateful for them, deeply grateful, but I just don't want to have the responsibility of informing people that my pet died. Because he wasn't just a pet, and you can't explain that in only one sentence. The only reason I'm typing all of this up is because I'm so tired. I cried a whole bunch on Monday when I learned that the blood transfusion didn't work and that he had died, and on Tuesday I was all cried out. I'm tired of wanting to cry, and yet not wanting to cry. At the same time I want to tell everyone I meet--look at me, my cat died: I think I'm dying. I don't even feel constantly guilty anymore--I just don't care. A week ago I would have been apologizing and explaining myself every other sentence about why I'm being selfish in writing this whole huge thing on a public journal, how I'm sure everyone else goes through the same thing when their pet dies, and goes through it even worse when a close relative dies. I can't imagine it being any worse. I know the fear of thinking I might lose my brother, my human one, I know the grief and regret of losing my Granny, the distant saddness that gradually grows when a great-uncle dies, and maybe that isn't all the grief that life can cause, but it's enaough. Any grief is enough; it's not a competition. It shouldn't matter if what is lost is a pet, a brother, a parent, a grandparent, a distant relative, a spouse, a child, or one's closest friend. I guess I am going on into explanations now. Damn. I thought I had finally lost that habit.

If you read this whole thing, or just parts and are now reading this, thank you. And when something like this happens to you, I hope that I can give you the same courtesty and kindess. Be well.

-Kate-

Mm.

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 00:59:18 GMT

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.

At Your Lowest:

You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.

In Love:

You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.

How You're Attractive:

You are very affectionate and inspire trust.

Your Eternal Question:

"Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Hufflepuff

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 02:46:18 GMT

HUFFLEPUFF!
You scored 8% Slytherin, 28% Ravenclaw, 36% Gryffindor, and 60% Hufflepuff!

You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal
These patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil.

Hufflepuffs are known for their loyal, hard-working, and humble demeanors.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 6% on Slytherin

You scored higher than 58% on Ravenclaw

You scored higher than 24% on Gryffindor

You scored higher than 99% on Hufflepuff

Link: The Sorting Hat Test written by leeannslytherin on Ok Cupid

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Jedi me!!

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 01:05:45 GMT

Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!! BLUE! TWO OF THEM! And I get the coolest Jedi master! And I get to be more evil than the possibility of losing a limb -- I don't like losing limbs.

Or I could be male. *Grin*

Oh yeah. So this thing's still around. *Grin again* Update of journal: I was sick with an 104.somethingoranother fever -- it was NOT fun waiting for the bus in the snow yesterday. So I stayed home. My mom basically took one look at me -- I was watching t.v. in the living room while wrapped in a blanket because I was freezing but at the same time heating up -- and says that I'm not going to school tomorrow. So I sleep. And now I'm amazingly awake for the first time in a month or so. I feel...happy. Liberated. Wow, if I had realized how much good sleep is I would have tried it years ago. ;]

Anyway. Peace to all and love to all.

On the Empire State Building
"Pretty penny falls." "No, no, don't drop the penny!" "But..." "Hold that damn penny!" "Better to drop the penny." "You drop that penny and I, mister, will not be picking it up." "You must!" "Absolutely not." "You're trapping the penny!" "It'll live; put it in your pocket." "There aren't any holes!" "That's a good thing." "The penny will suff-suffo-suffocate!" "That penny is an inanimate object--it doesn't need air." "THE PENNY'S DEAD!" "It's not dead." "It's DEAD! DEAD!" Don't you dare drop that penny." "I don't wanna hold it!" "Sweetie..." "Stop it! Don't touch me! I wanna drop the penny!" "Give it to me, then." "NO! Don't touch it! It's dead!" "It's not dead; it was never alive!" "No." "This isn't the place! Give me the penny!" "No, no, no. I'm dropping the penny." "Listen to me! You drop that penny and you are going to be in so much trouble!" "I won't." "Oh, you will Either put it in your pocket or give it to me!" "Bye, bye." "What? No!" "It'll be free." "You're going to hurt someone! Sweetie? Sweetie?! NO!" "...sorry."

Hugs!

-Katherine Chillingworth-

An entry -- astounding

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 03:48:12 GMT

A meme-thingie that I 'stole' *shifty glance* from Stephen's LJ:

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Yah. Right. They should hear me speak. It's like: "Um...urr...right.I'm gonna gonow, so...areyougoing'obeokay withthe turdle?" And when I get cold, it more like: ".........I'monnagonow,soyougonna'eokagywi'theturdle?" Brrr...I think that someone should quickly come up with an invention that will allow me to either use telepathy (though, I'm sure that that would only result with my words being slurred as well as mixed up in a confusement of random images. Such as snow, trees, dragons, and balls. Recently I've been trying to see how many actions I can visualize in my mind at once. So I tried having two rings of different colors going in opposite directions with three steps lit up green inbetween, and a ball bouncing back and forth (pink and blue, I think) from one side of the rings to the other. I'm not sure if it worked, though, because I couldn't tell if I was able to concentrate on all of the images at once. Oh well.) or carry a portable typewriter that I can whip out; I type and then everyone who I want to speak to gets in imprint of those words on their minds.

I'm very tired. The math was okay -- because I feel so unusually fiine with it, I'm worried that I didn't do very well. However, there's nothing I can do about that.

Another thing about that meme. I can't even begin to understand spoken French and that's supposed to be the foreign language I've been taking for the past five years -- so how could I be a translator? Unless they want me to translate gibberish. OOGABOOGADAWA!

Anyway. Night!

-Katherine Chillingworth-

D&D -- Whee!

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 05:49:49 GMT

I Am A: Lawful Good Elf Mage Ranger

Alignment:
Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Mages harness the magical energies for their own use. Spells, spell books, and long hours in the library are their loves. While often not physically strong, their mental talents can make up for this.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Deity:
Mystra is the Neutral Good goddess of magic. She is also known as the Lady of Mysteries. Followers of Mystra wear armor and carry shields with her symbol on them. Mystra's symbol is a ring of stars.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

-Katherine Chillingworth-

LOTR

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 16:55:13 GMT

An interesting complication. I want to be on the Internet, but my brother and his friend (or, one of the three sons of a family friend family) are watching LOTR. I want to watch LOTR. Nate got it for Christmas and I want to see it. But I want to type. Have you ever heard a decision so difficult?

Wow...I haven't posted a regular entry in forever and ever and ever. I guess I finally lost my mind and decided to write something. I'm in Palm Springs with the the family and family friend family and it's the first day. We have a swimming pool just...staring at us from the backyard and tennis and hiking looms threateningly in the near future -- horrifying! Plus, I still have to finish a history essay. Maybe I should just throw book, statistics and all into the pool. YAY!

Oooh...THEY GOT TO THE INN! THEY GOT TO THE INN!

I miss people at home. Apparently it is going to snow this winter (YIPPEE!!!) so I'll just have to wait impatiently for a week before I can acquire snow soaked pants, a red face, cold fingers -- Oooooh, I can't wait!

I'm huuuuuungry. Dad hasn't made breakfast yet and I'm huuuuuuuuuuungry. I'm also bored of writing here. Byes!

-Katherine Chillingworth-

America is Incompetent: England is Taking Over

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 03:40:56 GMT

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories, except Ohio which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister - the Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders - will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded - a questionnaire will
be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary you may
not use Webster, which is banned henceforth. Then, look up aluminium and
vase. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly
you have been pronouncing them.

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour.
Skipping the letter U is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters. You will
end your love affair with the letter Z, which is pronounced zed not zee. The
suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

You will learn that the suffix burgh is pronounced burra e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as Pittsberg if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
vocabulary. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed.

There will be no more bleeps in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter U and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires
e.g. Iowashire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will
not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but
only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world out side your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby, which is
similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. We are
hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,
your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to
play a girls' game called rounders which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
of you - including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe - are not
aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all - it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer
will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine, with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true
Budweiser, as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic, to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. >From December 1st the UK will harmonise the prices of petrol - or
â?~gasolineâ?T as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st
2005 - with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due, backdated to 1776.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Light saber

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 16:41:28 GMT

Sadly enough, I think you might like this result, Sara.

Orange is your Lightsaber color.

Orange represents energy and enthusiasm. It also
symbolizes strength and endurance. People with
orange lightsabers are curious about life, and
the world around them. Fascination catches them
at every turn, and they are creative enough to
understand life's potential.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Revolving Doors

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 02:04:53 GMT

Constantly the revolving doors are moving with people; a person does not pause within the doors but continues until a destination is reached. Occasionally a person will rethink their passage and so retrace their steps, following the circle of the doors around again to the beginning, but rarely does the person thoroughly retreat. Often a person will reach their destination and enter it further, then return to the revolving doors to enter it again. Yet, the return is not a return to the beginning, for with the parting and return the beginning becomes a new destination with the new experiences that color the person.
He was goofing off with the doormen. Just joking around, sneaking a look at the security screens and being familiar. He knew the two of them by their names and the third one didn’t talk much anyway. When his mother called the second time, however, he bid a hasty goodbye and turned to pass through the revolving doors to where his mother stood on the other side, fuming in the streets.

He shot a grin at the doorman standing next to the door, then marched in gaily, pressing the palms of his hands against the glass without a care for the consequence, never mind that it had only just been cleaned this morning. The glass was so clear. Within the doors he paused as he was enclosed, doors in front and behind meeting the edges of the walls. Slowly he peeled his hand from the glass and looked at the print left behind. How...intriguing. Pressing his hand against the glass with a new conviction, he stepped with all his weight and pushed the doors into motion. He moved, they moved, he moved again as the door behind him loomed and threatened to run over him. How exhilarating! That he could walk in these doors for hours. He passed his destination and returned to the beginning. The doorman was looking at him, but he didn’t exit, he moved on. He reached his destination, moved on again. His mother was getting angry, perhaps, but he couldn’t tell; he watched only his hands and felt the ground beneath his feet. The doors were steadily moving, a normal pace for a normal journey. His eyes widened and he pushed harder, moved faster. The doors replied with only a slight hesitation in their sluggish movements. These doors were amazing! Attached to each other, moving as if on a string – but how? He looked to the center, but couldn’t tell. Did it matter? He laughed, pushing harder, moving faster. Could he feel a wind through his hair? Was there a breeze brushing his cheek, leaving the cool trace of its kiss on his eyes? His shoulders and legs strained, his arms were tense; he felt the thrill of it. Mom was yelling at him, urging him to hurry and stop playing around. They had an appointment to keep. Something to do with him, he remembered, something important for him. But did it matter? He felt wonderfully alone and yet he could share this with his friends. The doormen were laughing, but there were also hands daring to snatch at him through the glimpses of the door. The few people who had been in the doors when he had first entered had left, arriving safely at their destination. He remained to circle and circle and circle. He wanted to slow down, to feel how it was to move as lethargically as the doors desired, but there were people on either side waiting to pull him out at both the beginning and his destination. Or was there still a beginning?

Tears ran down his face, why was he crying? There was something beautiful about the simple movement of the doors as they circled and circled, like a dream never to wake. There was a person waiting for him at a destination. He couldn’t leave these doors; he couldn’t leave this trip, this journey, this awakening. He circled endlessly in order to not understand, not to live, but to merely have this awakening that he dreamed.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Survey. Funny.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 04:05:29 GMT

<td style="font-family:Ve

Really Long Survey (over 200)
Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 39723 times on bzoink!
What is your name?	Kate
Are you named after anyone?	No. Sometimes I pretend I'm named after Katherine Hepburn and sometimes Katherine the Great; both very egotistical wishes.
What's your screename?	Arabian Panther usually, but sometimes I'll leap to another if I'm on another computer besides my own.
Would you name a child of yours after you?	Never.
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?	Probably Nathaniel because that's my brother's name and I'm older, or Alexander.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?	I dunno. Someone with a really cool name?
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?	My last name. Sometimes people pronounce the "a" softly or whatnot. It's ANNOYING. I feel like I need an e there!
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?	No. I'm very, very proud of my last name, as ugly as it may sound at times.
Basics
Your gender:	Female! YAY!
Straight/Gay/Bi:	Never cared to officially decide.
Single?	Nope.
If not, do you want to be?	Depends. I don't want to be now because of who I'm "with", so to speak, but if I couldn't be with him than I probably want to be single.
Birthdate:	1/22/88
Your age:	I'm sixteen going on seventeen (in a few good months)!
Age you act:	Recently it's been 10 no matter where I am or who I'm with. Sometimes a very polite and well-mannered ten, though.
Age you wish you were:	Sometimes I wish I could act a bit more mature around people, but I like my physical age right now, and I'll like my physical age in a few years time.
Your height:	Five foot eight and a HALF, baby!
Eye color:	Hazel. Green. Brown. A little red around one pupil. Shrugs
Happy with it?	Definitely.
Hair color:	Dark brown.
Happy with it?	Yep. Except for the time when I wanted to put red, orange and yellow streaks in it to give it an...autumn flavoring.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:	Righty.
Your living arrangement:	With the parents and the brother.
Your family:	Intelligent, wonderful parents and a brother who's going through a difficult stage. (More difficult for me than for him, I'd wager.)
Have any pets?	Four. Two cats who are brothers, and two parakeets who are lovers. (I wish they were lovers...it would be sweet!)
Whats your job?	Student.
Piercings?	Two. One's on that ear and the other's on this ear.
Tattoos?	I'm scared of needles; I'm definitely not going near anything that would insert dye or whatever into my skin.
Obsessions?	Anime and manga? I'm sort of tired of that, though, because of all the time I spent in B&N reading manga. My main obsession is obsessing.
Addictions?	Talking, recently. It's rather annoying.
Do you speak another language?	A little French.
Have a favorite quote?	Usually I like any quote I happen to stumble upon.
Do you have a webpage?	Nah.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?	Mostly, I like to think, but sometimes I worry about the past and the future.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?	I used to be much more and I'm trying to work back to that.
Do you have any secrets?	One or two. None interesting, and most of them are other people's secrets that I've promised to keep. Actually, I don't remember most of them at the moment.
Do you hate yourself?	Half and half. At the moment I hate myself for being so gloomy. But it's not really hate, it's more like exasperation.
Do you like your handwriting?	I find it funny.
Do you have any bad habits?	Speaking to quickly. Slurring my words. Complaining. Talking.
What is the compliment you get from most people?	I'm...sweet? Something along that lines? I swear, it's the wierdest and most disturbing thing.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?	This is Kate; Live with It. (Insert Grin)
What's your biggest fear?	What people think, what I don't know, and silly stuff like what goes bump in a dark room.
Can you sing?	Badly. But I love to anyway so it's always hard to stop singing in public.
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?	No. I like being myself even if I dislike myself at times.
Are you a loner?	I don't want to be, but sometimes it feels like I am and sometimes not.
What are your #1 priorities in life?	Selfishly for myself it's to understand myself and to work through my emotions. For others it's to help them in anyway I can and think about others instead of myself.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?	I don't know. It's sort of conflicting since I know that I'm a hard person to like.
Are you a daredevil?	Nu-uh. I may take a dare just so that I won't look like a coward, but I won't do something risky if I don't have to and no one's edging me on. Unless it looks like fun!!!!!!
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?	Fear? I don't fear myself. Hate about myself? Nothing really. There are things that frustrate and annoy me, but I don't hate them because that would be pointless.
Are you passive or agressive?	Mostly aggressive, unfortunately, because I get really emotional.
Do you have a journal?	I have the one hidden on my computer, a few in random notebooks, one sort of unknown one on the Internet, and an LJ.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?	Greatest weakness is that I tend to jump head first and end up ramming into walls (mental ones, I mean.) Strength, after I jump the first time I think it out thoroughly.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?	Depends on the time, the day, etc. I do wish that I was a bit more open and a bit more funny. I really wish I could make people laugh sincerely.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?	Yeah. But I also tend to be emotionally wavering. It's a fight at times.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?	Yes. I wish I was a bit more ambitious at work.
Do you think life has been good so far?	Definitely.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?	You have to trust people and understand them without judging; never judge, even if it's the hardest thing in the world. I'm still working on it.
What do you like the most about your body?	My eyes. I've always loved my eyes. And my hair used to be a source of comfort....shrugs uncomfortably
And least?	My legs. Oh well.
Do you think you are good looking?	No honest clue.
Are you confident?	Not about myself.
What is the fictional character you are most like?	I don't know any that I'm most like, but I love fun-loving, mischievious characters.
Are you perceived wrongly?	Probably by some people and probably not by others.
Do You...
Smoke?	Never.
Do drugs?	Never.
Read the newspaper?	Occasionally. I find it hard to stick with it, though.
Pray?	No. I don't believe in praying, so I don't because I feel like I might be mocking the belief in some way or another by doing so.
Go to church?	Only when I had to while I was staying with relatives for a few weeks, and only recently because of two funerals. I literally wanted to 'kill' the priest for his speeches.
Talk to strangers who IM you?	Warily. When they ask me my age and location, I tend to joke around instead of giving straight answers.
Sleep with stuffed animals?	My arm hurts if I don't. Seriously.
Take walks in the rain?	YES. I love rain.
Talk to people even though you hate them?	I try to avoid that.
Drive?	Not yet. I have the permit, but I don't have the time.
Like to drive fast?	Slow grin
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?	Not really, but mostly because I often find it difficult to speak clearly and I find it tiring.
Hurt yourself?	I tend to walk into walls and doors.
Been out of the country?	Yep.
Eaten something that made other people sick?	Does honey mustard count? Though, I was the only one dumb enough to eat it and I was the one sick.
Been in love?	Yes. Glomps Stephen
Done drugs?	NO.
Gone skinny dipping?	Does the bath count? Alone?
Had a medical emergency?	Nah.
Had surgery?	Yes.
Ran away from home?	No.
Played strip poker?	NO.
Gotten beaten up?	Verbally.
Beaten someone up?	...eh-hem...yeah. I'm not very proud of earlier sixth grade encounters, but one time I still can't apologize for.
Been picked on?	Yes.
Been on stage?	Mmhm.
Slept outdoors?	Yes.
Thought about suicide?	Marginally. But only in my panicked and dark moods.
Pulled an all nighter?	Yes.
If yes, what is your record?	School. All night.
Gone one day without food?	Don't think so.
Talked on the phone all night?	No. Warcraft for a quarter of the night, though.
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?	Mmhm.
Slept all day?	No. Except maybe when I was seriously sick, but sleep has always been off and on.
Killed someone?	No. And I hope never to do so.
Made out with a stranger?	Ew.
Had sex with a stranger?	Ew.
Thought you're going crazy?	I've always had a firm belief in my sanity.
Kissed the same sex?	Um.
Done anything sexual with the same sex?	Um.
Been betrayed?	Not really...
Had a dream that came true?	I think so. But my dreams tend to border on hallucinations.
Broken the law?	Not that I know of.
Met a famous person?	I think so.
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?	Yes. A turtle. It was behind the Christmas tree.
On purpose?	No.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?	I hope not.
Stolen anything?	A toy car when I was one.
Been on radio/tv?	Bloopy!
Been in a mosh-pit?	No.
Had a nervous breakdown?	Lots and lots and lots of times.
Bungee jumped?	I think so, but I'm not sure.
Had a dream that kept coming back?	DANCING FURNITURE!
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?	I think that otherwise would be more than slightly improbable.
Miracles?	I guess. But I don't really believe in God and I think miracles border on that.
Astrology?	Not seriously.
Magic?	In a serious and not serious type of way at this point. I don't devote my life to it, but I believe that it's as possible as anything else.
God?	Not really. I can't believe in an all-mighty, all-powerful, worthier-than-thou entities without feeling very pissed.
Satan?	Less than God, actually. People tend to provide their own Satans.
Santa?	Sort of as a spirit, feeling of good will, such like.
Ghosts?	Sort of.
Luck?	Definitely. Luck's fun!
Love at first sight?	I dunno. It sounds more like attraction or love at first sight. Or does love at first sight count the first conversation as well?
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?	Yes. But then, I don't really believe that there are definite sides as good and bad.
Witches?	Now where did that wand go...? ... Yes.
Easter bunny?	Not really.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?	I think that it's possible, but I also think that it's not healthy and no one should expect such a thing from anyone.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?	I'm part Irish! Of course I do!
Do you wish on stars?	Mmhm. But only when I'm alone.
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?	That's really, really boring. I firmly believe in the after life because the converse is far scarier, and I half believe in reincarnation.
Do you think God has a gender?	I think God has both a penis and a vagina and loves all. Rolls eyes I don't believe in God, remember? I think we should allow God to have rights.
Do you believe in organized religion?	No. I think that's the most idiotic idea anyone ever came up with. Religion shouldn't be about customs, traditions, rules, etc, it should be oneself.
Where do you think we go when we die?	Someplace just as interesting as life, I hope.
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?	Yes, most definitely.
Who is your best friend?	I don't really have a specific best friends because each of my friends have different qualities that I love.
Who's the one person that knows most about you?	I don't know. Myself? Do I count? But then, not even a single person know everything about his or herself.
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?	I don't remember. It all compiles into vague flitterings. The one that stands out the most, probably because I hear it the most, is that people are just as nervous as I am.
Your favourite inside joke?	Cold shoulder. Just because it's so tasteless even as an inside joke.
Thing you're picked on most about?	Reading. But I've come to find it amusing.
Who's your longest known friend?	Sara.
Newest?	Sara (from camp), Justin, Katie, Jenn, and others.
Shyest?	Sara W. I love that girl so much!
Funniest?	I'm not sure. Everyone's funnier than I am. I have to say Ben. Though it's more of a cynical humor that I love.
Sweetest?	Rachel
Closest?	Greg, Stephen and Ben
Weirdest?	Elias
Smartest?	Everyone. We have different ranges of "smart", but everyone's definitely smart. (To border on cheesy.)
Ditziest?	No clue.
Friends you miss being close to the most?	Sara. Sara who I've been friends with since we were both three. She's right, I don't really understand her; I don't think she understands me either.
Last person you talked to online?	Sara. Random dude asking for age and location (16, South Pole and then Saudi Arabia). Justin. Greg. Stephen. Becca. (that's arranged from most recent to least recent)
Who do you talk to most online?	No one recently. I haven't really been online much.
Who are you on the phone with most?	Greg, but that's only because he calls me at least once a week. I need to call him first sometimes. Frowns I'm a bad friend in that way.
Who do you trust most?	Strangely enough one might think, I really trust all my friends equally. I don't think there's anyone I don't trust. But then, I trust people, but I don't actively trust.
Who listens to your problems?	Stephen, Greg, parents, Sara (occasionally), and that's about it. Unfortuantely, I rant far too often to those poor people.
Who do you fight most with?	My brother. I love him so much, but we just haven't been getting along.
Who's the nicest?	Changes with their moods. Becca, though, is consistently nice and nice and ooooo, HUGS!
Who's the most outgoing?	Sara for the usual definition, but I think all of my friends are outgoing in their own confident ways.
Who's the best singer?	Rachel
Who's on your shit-list?	No one at the moment. I only hold my big grudges for a year, and then it's like an inside joke that I only I really understand.
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?	Stephen's a friend.... Blinks I did NOT just say that. NO, NO, No. ...by the way, I'm just joking.
Who's your second family?	I tend to be the second family. I don't have second families.
Do you always feel understood?	Occasionally. When I don't I'm just being stubborn.
Who's the loudest friend?	Who isn't loud? Urrg. Reminds herself to find some earplugs
Do you trust others easily?	I do, but then I don't. I trust others with my life, but I won't trust them with my feelings.
Who's house were you last at?	Nat's.
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:	Stephen
Do your friends know you?	Yes. My name's Kate. Nice to meet you.
Friend that lives farthest away:	Well, I have a not so close but still friend who lives in Austria I think. But otherwise it's Frances. Glomps Frances
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?	No. No love is a mistake. Using love is a mistake.
What do you find romantic?	Being open, I guess.
Turn-on?	Um.
Turn-off?	Um.
First kiss?	Um.
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?	Flustered mostly. Then annoyed.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going	Yes, definitely. I prefer being friends before dating them.
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out	I think it's socially acceptable, I just don't think it's seen as romantically acceptable.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv	Physically unattractive? I'd think that if you were romantically attracted to someone in the first place, their unattractiveness wouldn't be so unattractive.
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?	I sincerely hope not and doubt it.
What is best about the opposite sex?	They're awesome. I liked the opposite sex before I liked my own sex. (Wow...so...dirty...)
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?	Nothing. I don't see what the difference is. Except...DAMNIT, do they HAVE to be so much better at videa games??
What's the last present someone gave you?	I don't remember. But I'm sure that it was very sweet. Nooo. Wait. The parents bought me this amber necklace on my Mom's birthday. Growls in remembrance
Are you in love?	Yes. Points to Stephen wherever he is
Do you consider your significant other hot?	How can you tell?
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?	My Granny. Not actually, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about her.
You wanted to kill?	I've never actually wanted to kill anyone.
That you laughed at?	I don't laugh at people. And when I do, I deserve to be laughed at right back and punched real hard in the stomach.
That laughed at you?	I don't know.
That turned you on?	Um...I think the correct answer would be "Stephen". Smiles sweetly Otherwise it's MARSHMALLOWS! YUM!
You went shopping with?	Mom. We were passing this little shop and I said thoughtlessly that I had been looking at the skirts for the past month. She coerced me into picking one out. Darn it!
That broke your heart?	Nathaniel, but it's really just me being emotionally stupid and inconsiderate and blaming it on Nathaniel.
To disappoint you?	No one ever has.
To ask you out?	Stephen and that was last year or something.
To make you cry?	I make myself cry.
To brighten up your day?	Stephen when he called me. I really should stop being so stupid and call other people as well. Also my parents because they helped me with my essays.
That you thought about?	Everyone practically considering that I've been taking this survey for the past twenty minutes.
You saw a movie with?	Katie and Avi.
You talked to on the phone?	Someone who was calling for Nathaniel. Sheepish I forgot to give him the message. And it was a girl.
You talked to through IM/ICQ?	Sara. The IM is still up.
You saw?	My parents a few minutes ago, my brother when he came to kiss me goodnight and then to come and annoy me with staplers. And Stephen on Saturday.

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 18:05:41 GMT

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:	Short and brightly coloured.
Clothes:	Simple, comfortable, everyday clothes.
Powers:	Dark magic
Special Features:	Fangs
Sidekick:	The great spirit of (insert character name of choice here), as channeled through whatever item you have onhand at the time.
Attitude:	Bouncy one minute, murderous the next. No one knows when you're going to mood-swing next.
Weapon:	Wrist blades

Quiz created with MemeGen!

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Tue, 21 Sep 2004 16:10:15 GMT

falling keyboards, falling pens
clicking glasses, forever and again
giving my best to you
silent as the fingers leave the keys
alone and desired, but not now
not ever again
the tongue is warm and unused
lips never part
eyes are always fastened
the soul is given light
but how can truth be shadowed?
there's glass between you and me
there's that screen that reveals
nothing more than words
how interesting how much we can hide
we can read what we want
we know what we see
touch the screen, want to touch more
touch a face
see the tears, know the grin
wrap arms around a friend
reading but never writing
seeing but never speaking
separated and far
is it necessary?
kept apart by technology
never you.
never me.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Ooooo!

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 02:08:58 GMT

Your Icon is..... by d3athofs3asons
Your Name
Your Age
Your B-day
Your Icon Is....

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I so wish I could steal that icon and put it in a pretty little box for keepsakes! I love it!

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 10:55:35 GMT

My sphere is Guardian (Person of great Love and Altruism), and my class is Rogue (Precise and Unhindered).

I am a Protector.

You won't let anything or anyone threaten the ones you love if you have anything to say about it -- and you aren't afraid to back that up by any means possible. You might get your hands dirty in your life. You might do things that more lawful people would question. But there is no doubt in your mind that what you are doing is right, and you will have no regrets. To be a Protector is to shed many layers of "status quo," of "morality," and, to a degree, of honor, in order to dedicate yourself to the protection of your love in any way you can. You are a truly rare breed. You are loved in return for your great dedication by the people who value you. You know how to keep secrets, and uphold your word.

What kind of Warrior are you?

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 16:49:06 GMT

The whole fucking world can just shit in my face.

~~
Edit:

Please, please ignore this. I guess I can't just delete this because it's already been seen, but it's really nothing. At that point I just slipped into some major depression and when I got onto LiveJournal I was angry enough to mention it. Sorry. It's really nothing.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Buh-bye!

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 03:59:25 GMT

Gone again for a couple of weeks. Love you all! Don't really have the time or energy to make anything more complicated. Maybe I'll start participating in these Internet communities once again when school starts.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate's back!

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 21:34:40 GMT

...and now you say "So what?" and I say "YAY! I love yooooooooooooooooou!" and we're all happy/indifferent!

And I'm just going to bounce back along to some little corner in the far side of the next world...

Until we speak again! Ta da!

-Katherine Chillingworth-</center>

Random Results

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 05:19:10 GMT

Quiz created by Polly Snodgrass.
	WATER OF WATER. Pretty lady! Fair and gentle, your empathy attracts others to you. Possibly psychic, you are pure emotion and are more likely to act on feeling rather than practical thought or logic. You think that's just fine because imagination is important. You are the Whore of Babylon with her cup of abominable things, the Medium of Endor and in the mundane world you usually make a good wife and mother. You shine when you are able to give emotional support to others.

Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
brought to you by Quizilla

Bai Hu - Tiger!
Mythological Background: The tiger is associated
with strength and the desire for a challenge.
It is also associated with hope to win, or
rather, the blooming season. It is also linked
to meandering, or the ability to be in contact
with a lot of aspects. The tiger also stands
for war and soldiers fighting to the end, for
the sake of their country.

Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

-Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love to
take care of the one you love, and generally
you can be a bit overprotective and possessive,
but you know, that isn't always such a bad
thing. At least you'll be a good mom in the
future.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

schizotypal

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a twisted soul! Twisted Souls are never
bad, and actually, are a rarity amongst souls.
These souls are a little combination of
everything, with always a little of their own
chaos to add. Twisted Souls are kind, loving,
weird, zany, temperamental, and very talented.
They have their own firm opinion, and can at
one time be very outspoken and passionate, and
the other time shy and feeling insignificant.
Twisted Souls have good senses of Humor and
other times can be a bore. You can act quite
intelligent at one time, and grasp concepts
easily, while other times they can find it
difficult to understand. Twisted Souls are
always very fun and Kind, and can be party
animals. But, if you love someone, youre
serious about it, intense, and forever loyal.
Congratulations-the world should have more like
you.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
Definitely not my result (I was just randomly playing with the last question) but it's my favorite.

Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you'll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Inuyasha! You are a punk, you like to pick
fights and hate being in school, your grades
are slipping but you don't care, you are having
to much fun to actually do anything about it!

What Inuyasha Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Mosy on down, right...?

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Uh-huh.

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 02:06:35 GMT

-Katherine Chillingworth-

Randy Allgaier on Ronald Reagan -- DeadParrot

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 15:45:08 GMT

With all of the tributes about former President Ronald Reagan that have been clogging newspapers, television, radio, internet --I wouldn't be surprised if some group like the Heritage Foundation will petition the Pope to canonize him.

There are many things that are part of the Regan legacy worth remembering such as The firing of the air traffic controllers, the philosophy of a winnable nuclear war, recallable nuclear missiles, trees that cause pollution, Elliott Abrams lying to Congress, ketchup as a vegetable, colluding with Guatemalan thugs, pardons for F.B.I. > lawbreakers, voodoo economics, budget deficits, toasts to Ferdinand Marcos, public housing cutbacks, red baiting the nuclear freeze movement, James Watt.

Getting cozy with Argentine fascist generals, tax credits for segregated schools, disinformation campaigns, "homeless by choice," Manuel Noriega, falling wages, the HUD scandal, air raids on Libya, "constructive engagement" with apartheid South Africa, United States Information Agency blacklists of liberal speakers, attacks on OSHA and workplace safety, the invasion of Grenada, assassination manuals, Drug tests, lie detector tests, Fawn Hall, female appointees (8 percent), mining harbors, the S&L scandal, 239 dead U.S. troops in Beirut, Al Haig "in control," food-stamp reductions, Debategate, White House shredding, Jonas Savimbi, tax cuts for the rich, "mistakes were made." Michael Deaver's conviction for influence peddling, Lyn Nofziger's conviction for influence peddling, Caspar Weinberger's five-count indictment, Ed Meese ("You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime"), Donald Regan (women don't "understand throw-weights"), education cuts, support for the Contras, illegal arms sales to Iran, massacres in El Salvador.

However, it was his six year silence on AIDS that is his most egregious act in an eight year presidency that was filled with egregious acts. Here is my "tribute" to Ronald Wilson Reagan:

The Man Responsible for the American AIDS Epidemic Dies at 93

Ronald Wilson Reagan, the man who single handedly ensured that the AIDS epidemic would be completely ignored by the federal government during the early years of the epidemic when it was critical to fund research, care and to develop prevention strategies, died on Saturday at the age of 93. Mr. Reagan's inaction delayed the eventual development of efficacious drug regimens and funding of effective prevention strategies by at least six years. Mr. Reagan's lack of leadership on AIDS makes him responsible for tens of thousands of AIDS deaths. He was also the 40th President of the United States.

Ronald Reagan did not publicly utter the word "AIDS" during the first six years of his administration. His first public mention of the disease was made to the Third International AIDS Conference on May 31, 1987. The Kaiser Family Foundation's Daily HIV/AIDS Report for June 7, 2001 also notes that the San Diego Union Tribune quoted Reagan as telling the conference, "Final judgment is up to God." In a 2001 speech at the Kaiser Family Foundation's National Symposium on U.S. AIDS Policy, Dr. C. Everett Koop, Reagan's surgeon general, said that due to "intradepartmental politics" he was cut out of all AIDS discussions for the first five years of the Reagan Administration -- and that "because transmission of AIDS was understood primarily in the homosexual population and in those who abused intravenous drugs, the advisors to the President took the stand, they are only getting what they justly deserve."

"For Reagan apologists to act as if his record on AIDS was anything short of tragic is both inaccurate and deeply offensive to the memory of the 60,000 people who died of AIDS during Reagan's presidency," said Shana Naomi Krochmal, director of communications and public affairs for the STOP AIDS Project. "At a time when our nation could have led the way in preventing transmission and fighting stigma and discrimination against people with HIV, Reagan offered no leadership -- only silence."

"In the history of the AIDS epidemic, President Reagan's legacy is one of silence," said Michael Cover, Associate Executive Director for Public Affairs at Whitman-Walker Clinic in Washington, D.C. "It is the silence of tens of thousands who died alone and unacknowledged, stigmatized by our government under his administration."

According to Koop, the Reagan Administration's resistance to publicly discussing and addressing HIV and AIDS was the product of a larger reluctance to engage in frank discussion about matters of sexuality. Eerily, there is a distinct parallel between Reagan's AIDS policies and the current efforts to withhold funding from AIDS researchers and service organizations that explore and provide comprehensive education and prevention strategies.

In addition to the untold misery and death of thousands of Americans living with HIV/AIDS, there are other important avocations that define the man. Early in his adult life Mr. Reagan was an actor in some of America's worst films- such as "Bedtime for Bonzo". After his lackluster try at acting Mr. Reagan took the role of Governor of California. Thousands of Californians with mental illness will remember Reagan as the cause of their homelessness.

-Katherine Chillingworth-

School Almost Over

Tue, 08 Jun 2004 23:32:14 GMT

Well, as a starting point, I failed my math exam. As I knew I would. Five minutes before it was over I had put myself into such a panic that I was frequently (though subtely) ripping at my hair and I could feel the tears about to flow. So, I handed it in with only one of the three word problems completed. I really hate math. Though, if it was a person I would probably not hate him/her all that much, I would just do my best to avoid him/her at all cost. I feel like I've been thinking in one way for so long (magic, fantasies, things that are not apart of the world's reality but became apart of mine so that I could guard myself) that I've lost the ability to think in any other manner. I just don't understand math. I can't see how math is apart of our lives. I know that it's very important and I understand how it is apart of life and why it is so significant, but visuals are very important to me and necessary in comprehension -- I just can't see it. When I think of numbers I don't understand how they fit in, what they do, how I can manipulate them to either solve or simplify the problem. I can solve math problems, sure, but only if they don't require any thinking and only if I've seen them before. I don't understand the structure of math. Oftentimes when I'm trying to figure something out, I actually visualize a black abyss in my head into which a number line leads. Sounds cheesy and stupid, I know, but I that's how I see it. Otherwise, I don't see anything. I just feel so stupid.

Same for piano. After my math final my mom decides that I really need an extra half hour for piano lesson -- great. She saw me break down last week after piano lesson...actually, no, she didn't. After last week's piano lesson I immediately walked away so that I wouldn't cry in front of my piano teacher and went to my room to break down. Although ordinarily Mom would have followed me and mixed comforting words along with the usual compliments (not my favorite thing, compliments...) and reprimends (not my favorite either, but then, apparently I have an authority issue), this time she sat and talked with Hidemi, my piano teacher, for a half hour. I didn't really mind, but I guess having not talked to her about it allowed her the ignorance of not understanding how I felt. It's sort of like when I was five or so and had a swimming teacher who thought that the best way to learn how to swim was to be immersed over your level -- sort of like the new foreign language teaching program. Unfortunately, for swimming it meant that she held me, who at that time was far too short to stand on the bottom of the deep end of the pool with my head still above the water, and periodically thrust me under the water and held me there for about five to ten seconds before letting me up. I don't know how much I've exaggerated this through memory, but I remember pleading with her to stop and how she wasn't exactly cruel about it, but even so continued to dunk me again and again while my mom just watched from outside of the pool. I guess the method sort of worked because I feel just as comfortable in the water as on land now...but still. And going back to the piano lessons, today I was taking the piano lesson earlier because usually my brother and I have lessons one after the other, but today Mom decided that Nathaniel needed an extra half hour so that he could brush up on his recital piece. I didn't care, really, because I knew that I probably wouldn't find anyone to hang out with anyway and I could come home and laze about before the lesson. Then Hidemi comes and as I'm following Mom into the livingroom, I keep repeating to my mom "Only a half an hour", "Only an half an hour", "PROMISE!" and I feel like she's leading me to a nurse for a shot. Then I'm sitting at the piano bench and basically Hidemi and Mom exchange evil glances and Mom runs out of the livingroom and into her office before I can say another word. So I'm stuck with an hour lesson.

It's not that I don't like Hidemi, it's just that I feel so obscenely slow and idiotic when I'm playing the piano. I can't remember any notes, I sound awful, and then when Mom comes in Hidemi and she exchange gushing words about how good I am and how jealous Mom is of my grace -- bullshit. I feel like an elephant on wheels who persistently tries to play the piano for two bystanders who apparently care a whole lot about whether or not I play. When I talked (yet again) to my mom about skipping the recital if not qutting the piano all together she says to me "But Dad loves to hear you play, he cries whenever he does out of joy." thus sending me into a major guilt trip. I don't think I've ever played the piano for myself and I've never enjoyed playing the damned instrument unless I was in the most peculiar of circumstances. Plus, I feel like I'm wasting Hidemi's time during our lessons and that Hidemi's both bored and frustrated that I'm so dumb. Her favorite lines to get me to work now include comments about how my brain's so small that I clearly cannot remember notes and how I shouldn't do this and this because my brain's too small and she doesn't expect this because my brain's too small...I know she's a nice person and she means well, but comments like those have a tendency to stick to me like barbed wire even as I tell them that they don't matter to me and that's it's foolish to care. And then I start thinking about math. And then I start thinking about the piano again. Today instead of trying not to cry, I ended up banging away at the piano (an action that Mom and Hidemi usually warn me against) repeating sections of my piece over and over and over again without stop and all completely in the wrong order. It was horrendous. And Mom and Hidemi just laughed, smiled, and joked about it. Neither of them even yelled at me for possibly damaging the piano. Mom even applauded when I at last stopped.

I just can't stand being so STUPID about piano and math. And Hidemi keeps talking about how it's so good for college, etc, etc, and I just want to ask if there's anything that's just as important as the piano. Maybe it's just my thing, right? But no, instead of dealing with my honestly both Mom and Hidemi throw random encouragement at me and then drive me into insanity as they attempt to get my brain to move. Mom is constantly ragging at me about how I should be really, really good at math, and Hidemi not only encourages me by giving compliments to my face and giving compliments to my mom, but also by insulting me. I don't know what I should believe. I think at this point I hate compliments because I have two prime examples of how compliments can feel so utterly fake and I don't feel like I can trust anything but insults.

And that ends that rant. Onto the next.

Come home, completely and utterly bored (excepting the piano lesson, of course). Then I realized that not only am I bored, but I also have work to do that isn't a part of school. Damn.

And I really wanted to get into that, but I wasted enough time talking about math and piano lessons. So, I have to go and finish at least one piece of work. Buh-bye!

-Katherine Chillingworth-